Loving

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the LOVE OF CHRIST THAT SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:14-19

A few weeks ago, one of my daily devotions had this verse from Ephsians 3, and I've been pondering it ever since. I told our pastor the day Leah died that I have to continually remind myself what I know and not rely on how I feel. I've had to continue that over these last several months. I still haven't gotten to where I feel God's love completely again. I can't understand, nor should I necessarily, why He's chosen for this to happen to me, to my family. I know God loves me. He's surrounded me with great family and friends, church family and co-workers. I really couldn't ask for a better support system, I just wish I didn't need them the way that I do. It's so hard to feel God's love right now.

In my devotions that week, Nancy Guthrie wrote it much more eloquently than I can. 

"What does it feel like to be loved by God? It is not a sentimental feeling. Feeling loved by God is the deep certainty that the God of the universe is not opposed to me, though I deserve it; he is for me! It is an inner confidence in his loving intentions that gives us the security and strength we need for enduring the difficulties of this life.

...

Do you want to feel loved by God? Focus on his loving provision for your eternal future, nurturing your confidence to say with Paul, 'For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.' You can be confident that nothing can keep God's love away from you. When you don't feel it, believe it, rehearse it in your heart and mind, and let your confidence grow." Emphasis mine.

Wow.

As I've been pondering God's love for me in the midst of this tragedy, He revealed something to me. He let me know that there are many ways Leah could have died, but he let her die in such a way that I have something to advocate for. I can get out there and tell my story and make sure other women are aware so it doesn't happen to them. Not everyone has this. One of the couples we went on the Respite Retreat with still doesn't know what caused their son's death. So far all they've been told is Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood, similar to SIDS in infants, but the county is still researching. That would absolutely devastate me! I know they don't like it either, but they are trusting God. God obviously knew, because he made me and loves me, that I needed something to give Leah a voice, and He gave it to me. Leah could have been stillborn, she could have had a cord accident, she could have died from SIDS, any number of things where I wouldn't have been able to give her a voice. I can now, and plan to do as much GBS awareness, vaccine promotion, and grief support, among other things, as I can to give her a legacy. We're also planning a 5K every October for Prenatal and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I can't wait for that!

I've also been pondering my love for God in the midst of this. I want to go to heaven now more than ever. But, I want to go to heaven to be with my baby. Shouldn't I want to go to heaven to be with Jesus? To worship Him for who He is? I've felt guilty and struggled with that so much. A while back I read the blog of a lady that has had a child die and she said she felt the same way. God made her realize, though, that she gets to be with her son again because Jesus died for us. She said she no longer doubted that the first person she would run to would be Jesus. To thank him for his death that not only allowed her to be with Him in heaven, but allowed her son to be there so that they can be together again. I think Jesus loves us more than we could ever imagine! At least more than I've ever realized. 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39