Honesty

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

In small group, we are reading Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman. It's a great book and I highly recommend it! In our reading a couple of weeks ago, the author wrote that he loves meeting people who didn't grow up in church because they are honest about their sin and struggles; they don't wear a mask. He says the people that grew up in church know all the right words to say and ways to act, and most of the time, they don't show their true selves. I've thought a lot about that, and I want to be sure I'm showing my true self so that Jesus gets all the glory He deserves for holding me and carrying me through the death of my daughter. People say, "How are you?" and out of habit I say, "I'm good."

But, I'm not. I'm really, really not.

Losing a child sucks! I know I need to be counting my blessings because I do have a lot of them. I have a wonderful husband, and we are helping each other through this the best way we know how. I have an amazing daughter who brings such joy and happiness into my life. I have a great mom, dad, sister, in-laws, friends and pastor that are all helping me through this hard time. I have a great job and understanding coworkers and bosses. I know I'm blessed. Many people that go through major loss don't have the support system that I do. I know that. But, it doesn't take away the pain.

I'm not a dramatic person. In fact, I've always had a tendency to turn my nose up at people that are melodramatic. I mean, come on, it's not that bad! But, this is. And, now I understand how other people may feel when going through something bad in their life, even if I think I would handle it better. I'm sure there are people that would handle losing a child better. In fact, I know some of them because I've met them. At Respite Retreat, I met a lot of parents handling the loss of their child better than I am.

It's the little things, the mundane things, that get me worse than anything else...

After the funeral when everyone had gone home, Adam, Taylor and I sat down to dinner for the first time since Leah died. I lost it! It wasn't right that we were back to just the three of us at the table, same as we had been 2 weeks earlier. There was supposed to be a little baby in a pack-n-play sleeping while we ate dinner.

Washing clothes became tough because I should have a pile of baby clothes with spit up and poop on them to wash constantly.

Looking at picture collages of Taylor is hard because I'll never have those pictures of Leah. It shouldn't be that way. I should be able to look at past pictures of Taylor with happiness, but all I can think of right now is not having those same collages of Leah.

Seeing Taylor be so sweet to my baby niece, Andi, is tough because Taylor would have been such a good big sister to Leah. I was looking forward to watching her be a big sister. I also couldn't hold Andi for a long time because the last baby I held was my baby, my Leah.

Easter took me by surprise because it was harder than I expected. When I went to buy stuff for Taylor's Easter basket, I almost broke down in Target because I should have been buying stuff for Leah too. Thankfully, I hadn't yet bought them matching Easter dresses or Leah's basket. I'm not sure how I would have made it through Easter if I had already done those things.

Last weekend we went to a wedding. It was for a couple that Adam works with, so I barely know them. I cried through the entire thing. Partly because I couldn't quit thinking that Adam will never walk Leah down the aisle, partly because there's no guarantee he'll get to walk Taylor down the aisle, and partly for no reason. I mean, do I need a reason? Then, just as I was pulling myself together, they played Jesus Loves Me, which we sang at Leah's funeral. I couldn't stop the tears!

Taking Taylor for a bike ride without pushing Leah in the stroller is almost too much sometimes. There are some mornings I can barely make it through fixing Taylor's hair because I can't help thinking that I'll never do that for Leah.

Everything is just so hard.

All I want to do is lay in a heap on the floor and drown myself in my tears. Honestly. That's what I want to do. But, I don't. I get up each morning, take a shower, get dressed and look professional, get Taylor ready, drop her off at school, go to work, pick Taylor up from school, do evening/night-time routine, go to bed and do it all over again the next day. Because I have to.

But, you know what...if it weren't for the grace and strength of God, and the prayers of so many people around me, I wouldn't be able to do any of that. I can't get through this on my own. I don't have the strength for it.

One of our pastor's wife sent me a message while Leah was in the hospital. She reminded me that when Moses' arms were raised the Israelites would be victorious in battle, but when he dropped his arms they were being defeated. Moses became weary, but Aaron and Hur came alongside him and held up his arms. I have thought about that many times over the past few months. Even though I'm weary and can't do this on my own, I know I am being upheld by the prayers of the people around me. Jesus has promised he will strengthen me and help me; he will uphold me with his righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). I cling to that promise.

I've struggled to post this because I don't want anyone thinking I just want people to feel sorry for me. I don't. I know everyone has struggles and hardships. I have come to realize that I want to share this so that people realize it's by the strength and grace of God ONLY that I'm able put one foot in front of the other. Because I share, with my family and friends, ladies small group, and even social media, I have so much support that I wouldn't have otherwise. I want to encourage anyone reading this to share your struggle, whether it be death, divorce, addiction, etc. You'll gain so much support and prayers from those around you, and you'll receive strength and grace from God.

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10