Tough Times and Encouragement

Tough Times

This past week or so has been really tough on me. A little baby named Darby Kate has been fighting for her life at Children's, and she was on ECMO until this past Friday. Her older brother goes to the same daycare as Taylor. Even though the medical reasons are different, there are so many similarities between our families that my heart is so burdened for them. The doctors fully expected her to pass away shortly after being taken off ECMO, but as of Tuesday afternoon, she's still hanging on.

I had not followed her story closely until last week because I couldn't handle it. But, on Monday a friend emailed me and said the parents were going to have to make hard decisions that week, and I might want to reach out to them. I did, and of course I started praying for them. I knew they were taking her off ECMO Friday morning and I cried all the way to work.

Then, Saturday evening 10-month-old Charlotte passed away. Again, I haven't kept up with her story, but I know her family through two of my friends.

To top all of that off, two babies were dedicated at church on Sunday. I had to get up and leave. I've sat through one baby dedication already and was okay, but I couldn't take this one because we should get to be up there too! I had all of these emotions--feeling bad for not being in there and supporting those new families, feeling guilty for somewhat making a scene by leaving, and feeling apathetic because I'm the one that's lost a child, so why should I care.

My boss even checked on me on Monday. He said he could tell I was a little down and not myself.

Needless to say, this has been a rougher few days than I've had recently.

Encouragement

When I got home Monday, I had a package in the mail. It was my Noonday order! Noonday is an awesome company that pays a living wage to women in third world countries to help them support their families. Here's their story. I ordered these super cute clutches, but you can only pick between bright and dark, so you don't know what color you'll get. I got one of each and ended up with the perfect colors!

Dark

Bright

Here are the bags I got! Purple and green, so perfect!

So, yeah, I was encouraged by material things, but God knew exactly what colors of those material things to send me. Plus, I supported working mothers in my purchase. A win-win for all!

I also started Crossfit 2 weeks ago. It has been rough! I didn't realize how much strength I've lost over the years. In the 6 classes I've been to, I've yet to finish a workout. Yesterday I did! Thanks to some pushing from one of the other Crossfitters, I finished! I was proud of myself and needed that win!

As a side note, Adam and I have started eating Paleo since I started Crossfit and this is my breakfast each morning--a spinach and kale smoothie! I also add some frozen fruit and use either coconut or almond milk. So far, my preference is coconut milk.

I also received encouragement from my devotional this morning. I'm going through Nancy Guthrie's One Year Book Of Hope. Here is most of this morning's devotional:

"Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only He gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This is about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life He offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful. This is not an extreme brand of discipleship only for go-getters. This is the call for everyone who chooses to be a follower of Jesus. 

The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.

'Your [daughter] has given you an incredible gift,' [Nancy Guthrie] told this grieving mom. '[She] has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams. But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover the freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus.'"

This is so hard because I think I know what's best for my life. I love God and He has a huge part of my life, but honestly, my children?? Why would children not be a part of His plan for me? I'm learning that as I trust more and more in His plan, He will put me on the most joyful adventure I could have, even in the loss of a child. The last statement is so true, there is freedom and joy found in losing my life for Jesus.