Loving

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the LOVE OF CHRIST THAT SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:14-19

A few weeks ago, one of my daily devotions had this verse from Ephsians 3, and I've been pondering it ever since. I told our pastor the day Leah died that I have to continually remind myself what I know and not rely on how I feel. I've had to continue that over these last several months. I still haven't gotten to where I feel God's love completely again. I can't understand, nor should I necessarily, why He's chosen for this to happen to me, to my family. I know God loves me. He's surrounded me with great family and friends, church family and co-workers. I really couldn't ask for a better support system, I just wish I didn't need them the way that I do. It's so hard to feel God's love right now.

In my devotions that week, Nancy Guthrie wrote it much more eloquently than I can. 

"What does it feel like to be loved by God? It is not a sentimental feeling. Feeling loved by God is the deep certainty that the God of the universe is not opposed to me, though I deserve it; he is for me! It is an inner confidence in his loving intentions that gives us the security and strength we need for enduring the difficulties of this life.

...

Do you want to feel loved by God? Focus on his loving provision for your eternal future, nurturing your confidence to say with Paul, 'For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.' You can be confident that nothing can keep God's love away from you. When you don't feel it, believe it, rehearse it in your heart and mind, and let your confidence grow." Emphasis mine.

Wow.

As I've been pondering God's love for me in the midst of this tragedy, He revealed something to me. He let me know that there are many ways Leah could have died, but he let her die in such a way that I have something to advocate for. I can get out there and tell my story and make sure other women are aware so it doesn't happen to them. Not everyone has this. One of the couples we went on the Respite Retreat with still doesn't know what caused their son's death. So far all they've been told is Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood, similar to SIDS in infants, but the county is still researching. That would absolutely devastate me! I know they don't like it either, but they are trusting God. God obviously knew, because he made me and loves me, that I needed something to give Leah a voice, and He gave it to me. Leah could have been stillborn, she could have had a cord accident, she could have died from SIDS, any number of things where I wouldn't have been able to give her a voice. I can now, and plan to do as much GBS awareness, vaccine promotion, and grief support, among other things, as I can to give her a legacy. We're also planning a 5K every October for Prenatal and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I can't wait for that!

I've also been pondering my love for God in the midst of this. I want to go to heaven now more than ever. But, I want to go to heaven to be with my baby. Shouldn't I want to go to heaven to be with Jesus? To worship Him for who He is? I've felt guilty and struggled with that so much. A while back I read the blog of a lady that has had a child die and she said she felt the same way. God made her realize, though, that she gets to be with her son again because Jesus died for us. She said she no longer doubted that the first person she would run to would be Jesus. To thank him for his death that not only allowed her to be with Him in heaven, but allowed her son to be there so that they can be together again. I think Jesus loves us more than we could ever imagine! At least more than I've ever realized. 

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

Living

One of the hardest things to do in the face of this tragedy is choosing to LIVE. Not just going day-to-day and making it, but living, enjoying life in spite of the greatest trauma anyone will ever face--the death of a child. I hadn't noticed it really, until the weekend of Taylor's dance recital.

I've done some counseling at the Amelia Center, and one thing she told me was that days we had imagined before our child died are some of the hardest. Well, Taylor's dance recital was one of those days. I don't know why I had thought about it, but I had. I couldn't wait for Leah to watch her big sister on stage. As that day was approaching, I thought about how much I wanted to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. I realized then that I have a choice to make, everyday.

I can choose to stay in bed, or I can get up and LIVE.

I can go to work and enjoy it, challenge myself, chat with my co-workers and smile.

I can go to Crossfit and eat right and feel better about myself.

I can engage with Taylor and be the mommy to her I wish I could've been with Leah and her together. (I still need lots of work here because grieving is truly exhausting!)

I can go watch my precious daughter dance the routines she's been practicing for months. I can swell with pride as she gets to dance moves right and laugh as she tries to take her costume off on stage because, "it itched".

I can dance with Taylor in the kitchen while we're cleaning the house.

I can go on a date with Adam.

We can go to Mexico for our 10th anniversary!

I can, and will, choose to LIVE.

Babypalooza Events

After Leah's death, I had so many questions about GBS. I felt like I didn't know how dangerous it could be or signs of infection to look for. I've learned there isn't anything I could have done, and my doctor followed the correct protocol, this was just the biggest fluke in the world. God had to have ordained this, as hard as that is for me, it's true. Even so, I wish I'd known more about GBS and what to look for, expect, etc. I've decided a great way to help with that is to meet expecting parents and tell them to have a serious conversation with their doctor about GBS. I've gone to Dothan and Montgomery and have registered for the Birmingham Babypalooza event. Many moms/parents are extremely grateful because they've never heard of it and are on their nth pregnancy. It's just not something doctors stress, at least not to their patients. I provide brochures and status cards and tell moms to take this infection seriously. The most important thing is to talk with their doctor about what a positive status means. 

Many women want to avoid my booth and I certainly understand, but there are so, so many that thank me for coming and sharing my story. I haven't yet decided if all that is worth it because so many doctors I talk to act like what happened to me is so rare and there's not much else that can be done to prevent it. Right now, I'm still getting out there and you'll see a lot from me in July, which is International GBS Awareness Month. I'm going to post a fact a day about GBS and potentially even have some other things going on. Stay tuned for that! 

In Montgomery, a local hospital co-sponsored the event with BCBS and many of the L&D nurses came by to hear my story and talk with me. They really wanted to know how they could do better with GBS prevention. They asked a ton of questions! I also gave a lot of brochures to a doctor there to put in his prenatal packets and some to the childbirth educators for their packets. It was a great experience and it does encourage me that I'm doing a good thing by getting out there. 

Dothan Babypalooza event

Montgomery Babypalooza event

I'm excited about Birmingham! It's supposed to be the biggest one!

Thanks again to everyone who donated money for these events! We raised more than enough money and I'll either use that to print a lot more brochures to get out to doctor's offices or save it for a booth next year.

If anyone is still interested in donating to our efforts, please visit this link and donate to Adam's fundraiser for Leah's Legacy fund. We are going to do big stuff through that! More on that later too!

Memorial Day Beach Trip

We went to the beach with my parents for Memorial Day weekend. This year, Taylor didn't like the ocean very much, but she is a little fish in the pool! We are starting her in swim lessons again very soon. She LOVES swimming!! Since Mom and Dad were with us, they really took more care of Taylor, and Adam and I had a chance to relax a little bit. Thanks Mom and Dad!

Friday night we stayed at Nannie and Papa's house (even though they were on their way to Alaska!) to break up the trip. We were able to take our time Saturday morning before heading down to PCB. Adam took Taylor to a playground and for ice cream while I waited to get my toes painted, then brought her to get her finger nails painted.

This girl loves having her nails painted. She's also gotten in to wanting skirts. I have a girly, girl!

Then, Sunday morning Adam rode 100 miles on his bike in prep for the Ironman! The weather was perfect, the water relatively warm for the cool spring we had, and not a cloud in the sky!

You can support his journey by donating to Leah's Legacy. Here's the page with a link to his Rally site.

Memorial Day, Adam and I went parasailing!! It was so much fun! We didn't get any digital pictures, so I can't post one.

Here's some random pictures from our trip:

Toes in the sand!

Aunt Hilary asked her to bring a shell home for her!

Classic family beach pic, but on the bay! I'm pretty proud of those Crossfit arms! 

Bring May Flowers

The first weekend in May, I exhibited for GBSI at the Babypalooza event in Dothan. I'll write more on those in another post. We spent the weekend at Nannie and Papa's house, which is only about an hour and half from Dothan. Wes, BerBer, Miles and Ella went with us. I needed BerBer's help at Babypalooza, so the guys and Nannie kept the kids all day Saturday. They had a blast--feeding donkeys, going out for lunch, running around a huge yard--what more could 3 year olds ask for?

Once BerBer and I got back and Papa got off work, we all went out on the boat. It was a little chilly!

Barely made it under the bridge!

Helping Papa drive!

Daring girls!

The rest of the month consisted of Taylor's dance recital, another Babypalooza event in Montgomery and Memorial Day weekend at the beach. Those all have their own blog posts, so I guess this is all for May! 

April Showers

The first weekend in April, Adam and I went to a wedding in South Carolina. A guy Adam works with was getting married, and we were offered the last 2 seats on the company jet. Awesome! We got there early and the guys golfed while the ladies went for lunch, shopping and massages. It was a great day and we had a lot of fun at the wedding. I hate I don't have any pictures to show from the day.

The second weekend in April, we did NOTHING! I think that's the first weekend that's happened in a LONG time. All we had was church on Sunday. It was a great weekend!

The third weekend was full! I had a fun Girls Night Out with some of my friends from China. We didn't get a picture that night and the one below is missing Tara, but it's the best I've got!

Kelli, Andrea, and me

Spices for my favorite Chinese dish, Hot Pot!

First, we went to eat at an authentic Chinese restaurant in Tuscaloosa. It was AMAZING! Best Chinsese food I've had since being in China. Then, we went back to Andrea's house and played cards for hours! We played A LOT of cards while in China. We also listened to a Jay Chou (think Justin Timberlake of China) CD. So much fun!

Andrea is moving to Malibu, CA to become a Resident Director for Pepperdine University. I'm going to miss her so much!

Saturday was the A-Day game and we took Taylor. All she wanted to do was find Big Al. We only made it to half-time before we had to leave.

Wouldn't smile for a picture.

 Sunday, Fruit Shoot had an event at Treetop for Adam's work to thank them for helping get their product into the United States market and to shoot some advertising pieces. Taylor had a ton of fun playing with bubbles, mini golf, arcade games, you name it!

Making BIG bubbles!

Learning to golf!

Learning to bowl

She wasn't sure if she liked this arcade game!

The last weekend in April was another quiet weekend. Saturday morning Adam participated in the Bo Bikes Bama event for tornado relief from the April 27, 2011 tornados that came through Alabama. During his ride, Adam got to meet his childhood hero, Ken Griffey, Jr!!

April was a great month full of fun and even some relaxation! We'll see what the rest of the year brings!