Tour of Fire Station No. 1

Taylor has been saying she wants to be a firefighter when she grows up. She even had the local firemen visit her school with their truck. We also have a couple of friends that are firefighters. Several months ago, I talked with one of them and asked if there would be a good time to visit her husband's fire station. We finally got to go a couple of weeks ago and Taylor LOVED it! 

Taylor and Andi getting ready to listen to the fireman.

Andi was very attentive during this part!

All the gear!

Then, we got to go see the firetruck!

The fireman explained all the parts of the truck to them!

Then, they got to ride around the block in the truck! 

Then, we watched Mr. Derek and Mrs. Katy climb the ladder and it lift them over 100 ft!

 

And, it swung them to the side!

Then, all the kids got to put out a "fire"!

 A BIG THANKS to the fireman at Tuscaloosa Fire Station No. 1! Taylor had a blast!

Letter to Leah - Happy 18 months!

My dearest Leah,

Today you turn 18 months old. I'm not sure why, but this somewhat random anniversary has been hard for me. I was thinking last night about writing you this letter and ended up crying myself to sleep. I have missed you so much over these past 18 months. I've missed every milestone you would have hit by now--nursing, smiling, eating homemade baby food, sitting up, crawling, walking, talking and everything in between. As much as I love of all our pictures of Taylor during her first 18 months, each one of them reminds of a picture we didn't get to take of you. I wonder what you would look like today, I wonder what your personality would be like, I wonder so many things.

We've had a fun weekend over this 4th of July holiday, and I've missed you every minute, just like I always do. We've been to Splash Adventure Waterpark twice, and Taylor has realized she likes riding the big slides. She gets so excited about it. I can't ride with her because I'm pregnant with your little brother, so I sit down at the bottom of the slide waiting on her and your daddy. I have a lot of time to think during that waiting, and I'm usually thinking about you. I think about how I wouldn't be waiting on them to get down the slide, but you and I would be playing over in the baby area. You and me would be sliding down the little slides together and you'd be laughing and loving it, just like Taylor did when she was your age.

Taylor would be such a good big sister to you. She loves you so much and misses you so much. She tells me all the time how much she misses you. She even gets to dream about you, and I'm a little jealous about that.

It's so funny to watch her and Andi together, but I can't help but think about how you should be right there with them. Andi loves Taylor so much and just screams and laughs whenever she sees her. I know you would be the same way, you would love your sister so much. You and Andi would be thick as thieves too! You three girls would have so much fun together.

My sweet girl, I miss you more than I can ever put into words. I know you've missed a lot of pain in this world, and I know you are loving your time in heaven with Jesus. As I told you when you died, there are a lot of people jealous of  you. But, it doesn't take away my pain of not getting to love you and experience you here on Earth. I can't wait for the day when Jesus comes back so we can all be together again. Until that day baby girl, I love you and miss you!

4th of July Weekend Fun!

We started our holiday weekend off on Thursday afternoon by taking Taylor to Splash Adventure. It was her third time to go this year, but her first time to go with Daddy! The new owners have opened up the dry rides again, and Taylor enjoys those just as much as the water park! 

Taylor's favorite ride is the Caterpillar ride. She could ride this over and over, Daddy could only go twice!

I rode this kiddie slide a couple of times and couldn't do it anymore. It goes fast enough to push you back, and I just don't have the ab muscles!

After riding the black slides with Aunt Hilary one time and not liking them, Daddy had a lot of convincing to do to get her to ride them. She decided to try it one time with him and ended up riding 5 times! She now loves the big, black slides! It's too hard to get a picture of that though!

On Friday we went to Aunt Karen's and had fun with family! Taylor swam for nearly 5 hours straight! This girl has become such a fish! She was swimming under water and jumping off the diving board. We've been meaning to sign her up for swim lessons this summer, and we finally did on Saturday after watching her on Friday.

Saturday was a fun and relaxing day! Adam had gotten Taylor a Slip N Slide, and we set it up in the backyard. Adam even got in on the fun!

Taylor got a little frustrated that she couldn't make it all the way to the end of the slide, so we set the water up on the slide and she had a blast. Before long, she asked for the slip n slide to be put below her slide and she went crazy! 

After church on Sunday, we took her back to Splash Adventure (we've had season passes for 3 years!). On our way home from the waterpark, Taylor asked if we could set up the slide again, and she spent almost another hour in our backyard. I can't believe how much this girl loves to play in the water! She spent 4 days in the water and would go back for more if Adam and I had her energy level! 

Diamond Doll Softball

We signed Taylor up for teeball this Spring. She seemed to LOVE it! We are debating on letting her play Fall Ball, but with a new baby (hopefully!), I'm not sure we'll have the time. 

She learned a lot and by the end of the "season", she was doing really well going after the ball and trying to get the other team out. She hit and ran well from the beginning. She could throw pretty well but never during the game. 

First practice

 1, 2, 3 Diamond Dolls

Second practice

 

The team!

Andi loved coming to watch Taylor play!

I love this picture!

Since I work with the coach, I got asked to be Team Mom, and of course I couldn't say no. The first week wasn't the best. I didn't know what I was doing and neither did the girls. All of the moms got to together during the first week and a couple of crafty moms came up with some buckets for each girl to keep their stuff in and a poster to help us remember the lineup. Everything ran very smoothly after that! 

As team mom, I was in charge of getting the crazy socks. The crazier, the better!! I found 5 (of 7) pairs at Academy and thought for sure another Academy would have 2 other pairs. No such luck! Then, I was on a mission to find socks for the first game. I ended up running across some at Target, but only 3 pair. I asked them to check other Targets and found 3 more pairs at the one beside our house and 1 more pair at the Target close to Adam's work. Finally, I (somewhat) succeeded at Team Mom! 

All of the dads ended up being like assistant coaches, helping the girls during practice and making sure they stayed in place during their outfield time. Like I mentioned, the first week was very chaotic, but it seemed to calm down a little after that. 

Overall, Taylor had a blast and can't wait to play again!

The First 20 Weeks

Pregnancy After Loss (PAL) is HARD! I would say it's the second hardest thing I've done next to losing Leah. 

Physically this pregnancy has been better than Leah's, but emotionally I've been a wreck. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, I'm struggling a lot with God, especially since I've tested positive for GBS again. Although I know God is working in this pregnancy, it's hard to see. Sometimes I see Him and sometimes others point it out to me. I saw God working in our meeting with the pediatrician (see below), and I also literally felt God through Baron one Sunday in church. Our pastor was discussing worry and anxiety and said that what we're worried about we haven't given over to God. Baron kicked me 4 times right then. I had felt him off and on for weeks, but nothing consistent. I didn't even feel him consistently until after 20 weeks. I'm trying and working to trust God in this, but it's hard. I have to believe that my "sacrifice of praise" is enough right now. My faith is "the size of a mustard seed" and that has to be okay. Jesus tells me that can still move mountains! I'm working to make it more than that, to get back to a relationship with God I've had in the past, but it's hard. Honestly, I feel like what does it matter if I pray, it's not going to change God's mind. Whatever his plan for Baron is, is what is going to happen. I know that prayer is a posture of submission, but I've willingly been submissive before and God has also forced it on me with Leah's death, so I'm struggling. I pray a lot, don't get me wrong. I ask God to replace our sorrow with joy, to replace our worry and anxiety with peace, to comfort us. It's just hard to pray for a healthy baby to come home with us when I know there is no guarantee of that, and like I said, it doesn't matter whether I ask for it or not. God's got a plan, and I have to learn to be okay with whatever that may be.

I hesitate to share some of that because I know people will feel the need to quote Scripture to me or some make some other cliche statement, but I want to put it all out there. The good, the bad and the ugly about PAL. Maybe it'll help someone else that is experiencing PAL and struggling with God, or has lost their faith in God completely. Only God knows. One thing I've tried to be through Leah's death and PAL is transparent and authentic, and my struggles are very much a part of that. 

Finally, below are some pregnancy details if you're interested. 

The first 20 weeks of Baron's pregnancy were full of every emotion in the book. I found out I was pregnant on Friday of the anniversary week of Leah's life. I texted a friend the day before and told her I was testing the next morning and she asked if I had a suspicion. I told her I thought I was for several reasons, but I couldn't be sure. The big signs weren't there. Friday morning when I tested it immediately had two blue lines. I shot my hand up in the air and said, "Yes!". I showed Adam when he woke up, but he wasn't going to get too excited until it was clinically confirmed. We've had two very early miscarriages, called chemical pregnancies. One the month before we got pregnant with Taylor and one two months before we got pregnant with Baron. The one in November I knew was a chemical pregnancy. The lines were showing up on the tests, but they weren't very dark. Anyway, that's why it was hard for us to be too excited/anxious until it was confirmed by a doctor. 

I called as soon as they opened and the first appointment they had was on February 11, my birthday. I thought, "God, really, you better not give me bad news on my birthday!". Our winter in the South was CRAZY, to say the least. February 11th happened to be one of those days. It rained the day before and wasn't expected to get above freezing until lunch time. I called the day before to ask about my appointment, and they gave me a number to call before I left that morning to see if they were open. I called, no message, so we went. We showed up and it was dark. Apparently, they weren't opening until 11. I called and left a not-so-nice message with the nurse and told her I was very anxious to have this pregnancy confirmed and would really appreciate getting in that day. She called back as soon as they opened and got me in. I was there for three hours, but we saw our baby with a strong heartbeat! 

Part of the reason I was there so long is because I went armed with everything I could think of to give my doctor reasons to treat me differently than they normally would. She accepted everything I had to say and show her, but she wouldn't commit to any different treatment plan. That appointment was VERY frustrating! We did get the good news after that appointment that my urine was negative for GBS! 

That weekend, we told our families that we were expecting. We gave them Valentine's Day cards with our ultrasound pictures. But, we hadn't told Taylor yet, so they had to rejoice silently. Adam's mom said, "I knew it! I could tell by your stomach." As you can see in the pictures below, I do have more of a pooch at 8 weeks than I did with the first two. 

We went back 4 weeks later for our integrated screening and 12 week check-up. I was so nervous at the screening that the doctor would tell us our baby had anencephaly (baby's brain stem is growing outside of its brain), which is fatal. When he started looking, I asked him about it. He said, "No, everything looks great. Do you know someone who lost a baby to anencephaly?" I told him that we lost our baby last year and being in the child loss world, you hear all sorts of reasons that babies die, and that two families I knew had babies with anencephaly. All of our test results came back negative, no neural tube defects or Trisomy 13 or 18. I also tested negative for GBS again! 

Getting past that appointment was a major milestone for me. I began to feel a little better and get a little more excited. We still hadn't told Taylor or very many other people yet.

At the integrated screening ultrasound we had them write the gender on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope. Here's a blog post on our gender reveal party!

After the gender reveal party and announcing it on Facebook, I began to get a lot more anxious. I don't really know why, but once it was out in the open, it felt so much more real. I cried more that week than I had for the first 16 weeks. That was a very tough week! I was thankful for my Joy essential oil to help get me through the days at work! 

At my 12 week appointment, I requested a consultation with a pediatrician because Taylor's ped doesn't have privileges at the hospital. When I got the call to schedule the appointment, the Fellow I spoke with said the doctor on call for that month was a doctor that had 30 years of GBS research experience, which made me feel a lot better! He was very nice and spoke candidly with us. Of course, I had a ton of questions for him. He gave us his recommendation of a penicillin shot, which should help Baron fight off bacteria for about a month. I'm comfortable with that plan. That's the plan only if he doesn't end up in the NICU for any breathing issues or any other thing. They will keep a very close eye on our little boy! 

Also, at my 12 week appointment, we decided for me to be seen by Maternal Fetal Medicine, MFM, a/k/a high risk. 3 weeks later, I had my first appointment with MFM and went armed with all of my information. Again, they weren't on board about treating me very differently, but I wasn't giving up, and I'm glad I didn't! They didn't culture me for GBS at that appointment. I left that day a little disappointed and frustrated, and we thought about switching hospitals even though I'm at one of the best hospitals in the nation. 

2 weeks later I had some bleeding and even though they thought it was nothing, they brought me in and checked everything out. It all looked fine and we confirmed baby was definitely a little boy! They cultured me at that appointment, and I found out the next week, at my regular appointment, that I tested positive for GBS. It was a low colony count at that time, about 5,000, but the fact that it was in my urine means I'm heavily colonized. That was a HUGE blow! It took me a couple of days to begin to feel better again. One positive note was that I really like the doctor I saw at that appointment. He was very nice and very encouraging, and I felt like he really listened to me.

This was also my 18 week appointment, so we had the anatomy scan. Everything looked great! The ultrasound tech probably thought I was crazy when I was asking about the bladder and kidneys and fluid levels and anything else I could think of. Although, being in high risk, I'm sure she's seen a lot of issues. After this ultrasound, I finally began to relax a little more knowing that we had a healthy baby boy, at least to the extent we can tell on an ultrasound. We also found out at this appointment that I have a low lying placenta. Prayerfully, this will correct itself, but they won't check on that again until around 30 weeks. 

Because of testing positive, they finally decided to perform urine cultures at every appointment to monitor my GBS levels. At 5,000 colonies they didn't want to treat it with antibiotics, but might if it got higher. They tested again at my 20-21 week appointment and the colony count had gone to 30,000. The nurse called me with the preliminary results and hadn't yet talked to the doctor. I was pretty depressed because I didn't think they would do anything. They normally don't treat unless its above 100,000 colonies. She called back within an hour and said the doctor prescribed penicillin 2x per day for 5 days! This is why I'm glad I didn't give up on pushing for different treatment. If I hadn't, they likely wouldn't have ordered antibiotics. It made me feel a little better, but I still wish GBS was understood more and we could know why I'm so heavily colonized! 

Also, I should mention that Adam is at all of these appointments with me, and I always ask him if he has any questions, but he just smiles at me and says, "I think you've covered them!"

The pictures below go in order of pregnancies, Taylor, Leah and Baron.

~8 weeks

      

~12 weeks

      

~16 weeks

          

~20 weeks