Obviously, God knew what was going to happen in my life from the moment He formed me in my mother's womb, but I can look all the way back to August 2011 and know that God began to take care of me and prepare me for the death of my daughter.
In 2011, the GLBC Women's Conference was supposed to feature a woman whose husband was a pilot of one of the planes that went down in Pennsylvania on 9/11. At the last minute, she couldn't make it and our church found Nancy Guthrie to come speak instead. I remember our pastor's wife kept saying she didn't know why God switched things up at the last minute, but she knew there was a reason. One and a half years later, I found out the reason.
Nancy and her husband, David, lost two children to the same syndrome. In the years since their losses, Nancy has written many books and does regular speaking engagements dealing with loss and grief. About 4 years ago, Nancy and David started a retreat for couples who have lost children,
Respite Retreat. Shortly after Leah died, our pastor sent me an email with the Respite Retreat link and suggested we consider it. I'm so glad we did.
We arrived at The Hiding Place in Clarksville, TN on Friday afternoon about 4:30. We had a chance to talk with several couples before dinner, but we had all been asked not to share our stories with each other until after dinner. How do we even do that when that's the reason we're all there??!! But, we did it and did pretty well. (Although, I have to admit that I had researched all of them beforehand. Out of the 12 couples, I already knew about 8 of their stories. I'm terrible, but I didn't want to be crying the whole time they were talking!)
After dinner, we jumped into the deep end and stayed there for a while. We each told the stories of our child, his/her death and how we're dealing with our grief. Half of us told our stories Friday night and the other half told our stories Saturday morning. We learned a lot from everyone. Of the 12 couples, 5 had lost their child in December or January, so it was still very fresh for many of us. Three couples lost their child in September, another one in May and three other couples lost their child over a year ago. There was one other newborn that died, Molly, in December. Other than the reason for the death, her story was very similar to Leah's. Adam and I had a really hard time hearing that one. Several couples had a child with special needs and three couples put their child to sleep for a nap or the night and they never woke up. It was a very hard weekend, but it was really good for our healing.
After telling all of our stories, we discussed how men and women grieve differently and issues that we face as bereaved parents. Then, Adam and I spent some time together telling each other what we admired and respected about how we've dealt with Leah's death and our grief. We also told each other what we needed from each other to continue healing and dealing with our grief.
I told Adam how proud I was of him the week Leah was in the hospital. He showed his emotion, he made great decisions and he was calm. He handled everything so well when I couldn't even think. I remember one night Adam prayed, "Jesus, she's yours. We'd really like to keep her with us, but we know she's yours." I told Adam that night I couldn't pray that prayer, but I'm glad he did. I still have days that I struggle with the fact that Leah's His and always has been, but after this weekend, I'm doing a lot better with God.
On the agenda after dinner was, "Let's Have Some Fun!" We had no idea what was coming, but Nancy asked Adam and I to sit up front with two other couples. Turns out, we were playing "The Trulywed Game". Adam and I ended up winning! I said if I were to put him up for sale, I'd use "It's the cheesiest" for my advertising slogan, and he guessed right! :) I also learned that he hopes I never cook spaghetti with fresh vegetables again. :)
Sunday morning we had "Prayer and Praise on the Porch" and then "Worship and the Word". The prayer and praise time was wonderful. We spoke one sentence prayers of praise, thanksgiving, confession and supplication. It was helpful to hear others who were further along in their grief journey be able to praise God because it showed me that I'll get there again too.
Back inside, Nancy spoke about what Jesus tells us in our time of sorrow.
1) Matthew 26:38: Jesus knows what it's like to experience sorrow.
2) John 9:3: Leah's death was not a result of our sin, but it happened so that the work of God might be displayed in our life.
3) 2 Corinthians 12:9: Jesus is enough. This is the second time I've been reminded of this since Leah died, and it was just as hard to hear it this time as it was last time. But, it's the Truth.
4) Revelation 1:17-18: Jesus holds the keys to death and the grave. Leah couldn't have gone through death's door without Jesus opening it for her. He is in control, and it wasn't my fault or my doctor's fault. The means by which Leah died were incidental.
5) Matthew 11:28: Jesus gives us rest from our burdens.
We sang many songs throughout the morning, but we ended with "Blessed be the Name of the Lord." The last time I sang that, I cried all the way through. This time, I was able to sing it with hands lifted to God, but when we got to "He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away", I lost it again. It's so hard to think about that and want to bless God's name, even when, or especially when, He's taken my daughter away. Of course, as that song says, He gave her to me in the first place.
Before we left, we all took a picture together. All of our smiles stand out to me in this picture. I can really see the joy of the Lord shining through all of our faces. It's amazing!
Then, we got all the pictures of our children together and took a picture. One lady commented that while taking the picture, it hit her that all of our children knew each other before the parents met this weekend. That's a powerful thought! Another guy mentioned that when he goes to heaven and sees a little red headed girl with a Roll Tide t-shirt on, he'd say "Hey Leah, I know your parents." :) I love when people say things that I haven't even thought about!
 |
| Leah's friends in heaven. |
Leah, I miss you so much, but I know you are having a wonderful time with our Savior. I'll see you one day!
