Pregnancy After Loss (PAL) is HARD! I would say it's the second hardest thing I've done next to losing Leah.
Physically this pregnancy has been better than Leah's, but emotionally I've been a wreck. I'm on the verge of tears all the time, I'm struggling a lot with God, especially since I've tested positive for GBS again. Although I know God is working in this pregnancy, it's hard to see. Sometimes I see Him and sometimes others point it out to me. I saw God working in our meeting with the pediatrician (see below), and I also literally felt God through Baron one Sunday in church. Our pastor was discussing worry and anxiety and said that what we're worried about we haven't given over to God. Baron kicked me 4 times right then. I had felt him off and on for weeks, but nothing consistent. I didn't even feel him consistently until after 20 weeks. I'm trying and working to trust God in this, but it's hard. I have to believe that my "sacrifice of praise" is enough right now. My faith is "the size of a mustard seed" and that has to be okay. Jesus tells me that can still move mountains! I'm working to make it more than that, to get back to a relationship with God I've had in the past, but it's hard. Honestly, I feel like what does it matter if I pray, it's not going to change God's mind. Whatever his plan for Baron is, is what is going to happen. I know that prayer is a posture of submission, but I've willingly been submissive before and God has also forced it on me with Leah's death, so I'm struggling. I pray a lot, don't get me wrong. I ask God to replace our sorrow with joy, to replace our worry and anxiety with peace, to comfort us. It's just hard to pray for a healthy baby to come home with us when I know there is no guarantee of that, and like I said, it doesn't matter whether I ask for it or not. God's got a plan, and I have to learn to be okay with whatever that may be.
I hesitate to share some of that because I know people will feel the need to quote Scripture to me or some make some other cliche statement, but I want to put it all out there. The good, the bad and the ugly about PAL. Maybe it'll help someone else that is experiencing PAL and struggling with God, or has lost their faith in God completely. Only God knows. One thing I've tried to be through Leah's death and PAL is transparent and authentic, and my struggles are very much a part of that.
Finally, below are some pregnancy details if you're interested.
The first 20 weeks of Baron's pregnancy were full of every emotion in the book. I found out I was pregnant on Friday of the anniversary week of Leah's life. I texted a friend the day before and told her I was testing the next morning and she asked if I had a suspicion. I told her I thought I was for several reasons, but I couldn't be sure. The big signs weren't there. Friday morning when I tested it immediately had two blue lines. I shot my hand up in the air and said, "Yes!". I showed Adam when he woke up, but he wasn't going to get too excited until it was clinically confirmed. We've had two very early miscarriages, called chemical pregnancies. One the month before we got pregnant with Taylor and one two months before we got pregnant with Baron. The one in November I knew was a chemical pregnancy. The lines were showing up on the tests, but they weren't very dark. Anyway, that's why it was hard for us to be too excited/anxious until it was confirmed by a doctor.
I called as soon as they opened and the first appointment they had was on February 11, my birthday. I thought, "God, really, you better not give me bad news on my birthday!". Our winter in the South was CRAZY, to say the least. February 11th happened to be one of those days. It rained the day before and wasn't expected to get above freezing until lunch time. I called the day before to ask about my appointment, and they gave me a number to call before I left that morning to see if they were open. I called, no message, so we went. We showed up and it was dark. Apparently, they weren't opening until 11. I called and left a not-so-nice message with the nurse and told her I was very anxious to have this pregnancy confirmed and would really appreciate getting in that day. She called back as soon as they opened and got me in. I was there for three hours, but we saw our baby with a strong heartbeat!
Part of the reason I was there so long is because I went armed with everything I could think of to give my doctor reasons to treat me differently than they normally would. She accepted everything I had to say and show her, but she wouldn't commit to any different treatment plan. That appointment was VERY frustrating! We did get the good news after that appointment that my urine was negative for GBS!
That weekend, we told our families that we were expecting. We gave them Valentine's Day cards with our ultrasound pictures. But, we hadn't told Taylor yet, so they had to rejoice silently. Adam's mom said, "I knew it! I could tell by your stomach." As you can see in the pictures below, I do have more of a pooch at 8 weeks than I did with the first two.
We went back 4 weeks later for our integrated screening and 12 week check-up. I was so nervous at the screening that the doctor would tell us our baby had anencephaly (baby's brain stem is growing outside of its brain), which is fatal. When he started looking, I asked him about it. He said, "No, everything looks great. Do you know someone who lost a baby to anencephaly?" I told him that we lost our baby last year and being in the child loss world, you hear all sorts of reasons that babies die, and that two families I knew had babies with anencephaly. All of our test results came back negative, no neural tube defects or Trisomy 13 or 18. I also tested negative for GBS again!
Getting past that appointment was a major milestone for me. I began to feel a little better and get a little more excited. We still hadn't told Taylor or very many other people yet.
At the integrated screening ultrasound we had them write the gender on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope. Here's a blog post on our gender reveal party!
After the gender reveal party and announcing it on Facebook, I began to get a lot more anxious. I don't really know why, but once it was out in the open, it felt so much more real. I cried more that week than I had for the first 16 weeks. That was a very tough week! I was thankful for my Joy essential oil to help get me through the days at work!
At my 12 week appointment, I requested a consultation with a pediatrician because Taylor's ped doesn't have privileges at the hospital. When I got the call to schedule the appointment, the Fellow I spoke with said the doctor on call for that month was a doctor that had 30 years of GBS research experience, which made me feel a lot better! He was very nice and spoke candidly with us. Of course, I had a ton of questions for him. He gave us his recommendation of a penicillin shot, which should help Baron fight off bacteria for about a month. I'm comfortable with that plan. That's the plan only if he doesn't end up in the NICU for any breathing issues or any other thing. They will keep a very close eye on our little boy!
Also, at my 12 week appointment, we decided for me to be seen by Maternal Fetal Medicine, MFM, a/k/a high risk. 3 weeks later, I had my first appointment with MFM and went armed with all of my information. Again, they weren't on board about treating me very differently, but I wasn't giving up, and I'm glad I didn't! They didn't culture me for GBS at that appointment. I left that day a little disappointed and frustrated, and we thought about switching hospitals even though I'm at one of the best hospitals in the nation.
2 weeks later I had some bleeding and even though they thought it was nothing, they brought me in and checked everything out. It all looked fine and we confirmed baby was definitely a little boy! They cultured me at that appointment, and I found out the next week, at my regular appointment, that I tested positive for GBS. It was a low colony count at that time, about 5,000, but the fact that it was in my urine means I'm heavily colonized. That was a HUGE blow! It took me a couple of days to begin to feel better again. One positive note was that I really like the doctor I saw at that appointment. He was very nice and very encouraging, and I felt like he really listened to me.
This was also my 18 week appointment, so we had the anatomy scan. Everything looked great! The ultrasound tech probably thought I was crazy when I was asking about the bladder and kidneys and fluid levels and anything else I could think of. Although, being in high risk, I'm sure she's seen a lot of issues. After this ultrasound, I finally began to relax a little more knowing that we had a healthy baby boy, at least to the extent we can tell on an ultrasound. We also found out at this appointment that I have a low lying placenta. Prayerfully, this will correct itself, but they won't check on that again until around 30 weeks.
Because of testing positive, they finally decided to perform urine cultures at every appointment to monitor my GBS levels. At 5,000 colonies they didn't want to treat it with antibiotics, but might if it got higher. They tested again at my 20-21 week appointment and the colony count had gone to 30,000. The nurse called me with the preliminary results and hadn't yet talked to the doctor. I was pretty depressed because I didn't think they would do anything. They normally don't treat unless its above 100,000 colonies. She called back within an hour and said the doctor prescribed penicillin 2x per day for 5 days! This is why I'm glad I didn't give up on pushing for different treatment. If I hadn't, they likely wouldn't have ordered antibiotics. It made me feel a little better, but I still wish GBS was understood more and we could know why I'm so heavily colonized!
Also, I should mention that Adam is at all of these appointments with me, and I always ask him if he has any questions, but he just smiles at me and says, "I think you've covered them!"
The pictures below go in order of pregnancies, Taylor, Leah and Baron.
~8 weeks
~12 weeks
~16 weeks
~20 weeks
