Tough Times and Encouragement

Tough Times

This past week or so has been really tough on me. A little baby named Darby Kate has been fighting for her life at Children's, and she was on ECMO until this past Friday. Her older brother goes to the same daycare as Taylor. Even though the medical reasons are different, there are so many similarities between our families that my heart is so burdened for them. The doctors fully expected her to pass away shortly after being taken off ECMO, but as of Tuesday afternoon, she's still hanging on.

I had not followed her story closely until last week because I couldn't handle it. But, on Monday a friend emailed me and said the parents were going to have to make hard decisions that week, and I might want to reach out to them. I did, and of course I started praying for them. I knew they were taking her off ECMO Friday morning and I cried all the way to work.

Then, Saturday evening 10-month-old Charlotte passed away. Again, I haven't kept up with her story, but I know her family through two of my friends.

To top all of that off, two babies were dedicated at church on Sunday. I had to get up and leave. I've sat through one baby dedication already and was okay, but I couldn't take this one because we should get to be up there too! I had all of these emotions--feeling bad for not being in there and supporting those new families, feeling guilty for somewhat making a scene by leaving, and feeling apathetic because I'm the one that's lost a child, so why should I care.

My boss even checked on me on Monday. He said he could tell I was a little down and not myself.

Needless to say, this has been a rougher few days than I've had recently.

Encouragement

When I got home Monday, I had a package in the mail. It was my Noonday order! Noonday is an awesome company that pays a living wage to women in third world countries to help them support their families. Here's their story. I ordered these super cute clutches, but you can only pick between bright and dark, so you don't know what color you'll get. I got one of each and ended up with the perfect colors!

Dark

Bright

Here are the bags I got! Purple and green, so perfect!

So, yeah, I was encouraged by material things, but God knew exactly what colors of those material things to send me. Plus, I supported working mothers in my purchase. A win-win for all!

I also started Crossfit 2 weeks ago. It has been rough! I didn't realize how much strength I've lost over the years. In the 6 classes I've been to, I've yet to finish a workout. Yesterday I did! Thanks to some pushing from one of the other Crossfitters, I finished! I was proud of myself and needed that win!

As a side note, Adam and I have started eating Paleo since I started Crossfit and this is my breakfast each morning--a spinach and kale smoothie! I also add some frozen fruit and use either coconut or almond milk. So far, my preference is coconut milk.

I also received encouragement from my devotional this morning. I'm going through Nancy Guthrie's One Year Book Of Hope. Here is most of this morning's devotional:

"Jesus calls us to abandon our own agendas, what we have deemed will please and fulfill us, so that we can embrace the kind and quality of life that only He gives. This is not about adding Jesus to the life we are living. This is about making Jesus our life. This is about putting our plans for our lives to death so that the abundant life He offers has room to take root and grow. And death is always painful. This is not an extreme brand of discipleship only for go-getters. This is the call for everyone who chooses to be a follower of Jesus. 

The problem is, we don't really believe that God's plan for our lives could be better than the one we've crafted. We don't believe we could be as fulfilled by the life he offers as we would be by the one we've planned. It takes a step of faith to believe God will supply satisfying life now and when we die.

'Your [daughter] has given you an incredible gift,' [Nancy Guthrie] told this grieving mom. '[She] has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams. But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover the freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus.'"

This is so hard because I think I know what's best for my life. I love God and He has a huge part of my life, but honestly, my children?? Why would children not be a part of His plan for me? I'm learning that as I trust more and more in His plan, He will put me on the most joyful adventure I could have, even in the loss of a child. The last statement is so true, there is freedom and joy found in losing my life for Jesus.

All About Taylor - 3 Years Old

1. What is your favorite color? Purple and pink

2. What is your favorite toy? Leap Pad

3. What is your favorite fruit? Grapes

4. What is your favorite tv show? Dora 

5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Basghetti (Spaghetti)

6. What is your favorite outfit? Tumblebus shirt

7. What is your favorite game? Candy Land

8. What is your favorite snack? gummies and Fig Newtons

9. What is your favorite animal? dog

10. What is your favorite song? Jesus Loves Me

11. What is your favorite book? Bible (she really did say this!)

12. Who is your best friend? EllaMiles (she puts their names together)

13. What is your favorite cereal? Cereal

14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Ride my bike

15. What is your favorite drink? Apple juice

16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas

17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? Dolly (a blanket doll that Daddy got her)

18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Sparkly yogurt 

19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Chick-il-a and cupcake icing

20. What do you want to be when you grow up? Doctor 


One really cute thing she says right now is "Hanitizer" for "Hand Sanitizer". 

On several occasions, since I asked her these questions, Taylor has said, "Mommy, ask me what I like." :) She's such a funny girl! 

Honesty

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

In small group, we are reading Not A Fan by Kyle Idleman. It's a great book and I highly recommend it! In our reading a couple of weeks ago, the author wrote that he loves meeting people who didn't grow up in church because they are honest about their sin and struggles; they don't wear a mask. He says the people that grew up in church know all the right words to say and ways to act, and most of the time, they don't show their true selves. I've thought a lot about that, and I want to be sure I'm showing my true self so that Jesus gets all the glory He deserves for holding me and carrying me through the death of my daughter. People say, "How are you?" and out of habit I say, "I'm good."

But, I'm not. I'm really, really not.

Losing a child sucks! I know I need to be counting my blessings because I do have a lot of them. I have a wonderful husband, and we are helping each other through this the best way we know how. I have an amazing daughter who brings such joy and happiness into my life. I have a great mom, dad, sister, in-laws, friends and pastor that are all helping me through this hard time. I have a great job and understanding coworkers and bosses. I know I'm blessed. Many people that go through major loss don't have the support system that I do. I know that. But, it doesn't take away the pain.

I'm not a dramatic person. In fact, I've always had a tendency to turn my nose up at people that are melodramatic. I mean, come on, it's not that bad! But, this is. And, now I understand how other people may feel when going through something bad in their life, even if I think I would handle it better. I'm sure there are people that would handle losing a child better. In fact, I know some of them because I've met them. At Respite Retreat, I met a lot of parents handling the loss of their child better than I am.

It's the little things, the mundane things, that get me worse than anything else...

After the funeral when everyone had gone home, Adam, Taylor and I sat down to dinner for the first time since Leah died. I lost it! It wasn't right that we were back to just the three of us at the table, same as we had been 2 weeks earlier. There was supposed to be a little baby in a pack-n-play sleeping while we ate dinner.

Washing clothes became tough because I should have a pile of baby clothes with spit up and poop on them to wash constantly.

Looking at picture collages of Taylor is hard because I'll never have those pictures of Leah. It shouldn't be that way. I should be able to look at past pictures of Taylor with happiness, but all I can think of right now is not having those same collages of Leah.

Seeing Taylor be so sweet to my baby niece, Andi, is tough because Taylor would have been such a good big sister to Leah. I was looking forward to watching her be a big sister. I also couldn't hold Andi for a long time because the last baby I held was my baby, my Leah.

Easter took me by surprise because it was harder than I expected. When I went to buy stuff for Taylor's Easter basket, I almost broke down in Target because I should have been buying stuff for Leah too. Thankfully, I hadn't yet bought them matching Easter dresses or Leah's basket. I'm not sure how I would have made it through Easter if I had already done those things.

Last weekend we went to a wedding. It was for a couple that Adam works with, so I barely know them. I cried through the entire thing. Partly because I couldn't quit thinking that Adam will never walk Leah down the aisle, partly because there's no guarantee he'll get to walk Taylor down the aisle, and partly for no reason. I mean, do I need a reason? Then, just as I was pulling myself together, they played Jesus Loves Me, which we sang at Leah's funeral. I couldn't stop the tears!

Taking Taylor for a bike ride without pushing Leah in the stroller is almost too much sometimes. There are some mornings I can barely make it through fixing Taylor's hair because I can't help thinking that I'll never do that for Leah.

Everything is just so hard.

All I want to do is lay in a heap on the floor and drown myself in my tears. Honestly. That's what I want to do. But, I don't. I get up each morning, take a shower, get dressed and look professional, get Taylor ready, drop her off at school, go to work, pick Taylor up from school, do evening/night-time routine, go to bed and do it all over again the next day. Because I have to.

But, you know what...if it weren't for the grace and strength of God, and the prayers of so many people around me, I wouldn't be able to do any of that. I can't get through this on my own. I don't have the strength for it.

One of our pastor's wife sent me a message while Leah was in the hospital. She reminded me that when Moses' arms were raised the Israelites would be victorious in battle, but when he dropped his arms they were being defeated. Moses became weary, but Aaron and Hur came alongside him and held up his arms. I have thought about that many times over the past few months. Even though I'm weary and can't do this on my own, I know I am being upheld by the prayers of the people around me. Jesus has promised he will strengthen me and help me; he will uphold me with his righteous right hand (Isaiah 41:10). I cling to that promise.

I've struggled to post this because I don't want anyone thinking I just want people to feel sorry for me. I don't. I know everyone has struggles and hardships. I have come to realize that I want to share this so that people realize it's by the strength and grace of God ONLY that I'm able put one foot in front of the other. Because I share, with my family and friends, ladies small group, and even social media, I have so much support that I wouldn't have otherwise. I want to encourage anyone reading this to share your struggle, whether it be death, divorce, addiction, etc. You'll gain so much support and prayers from those around you, and you'll receive strength and grace from God.

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

More Songs that Speak to Me

"Homesick"

Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

 "Praise You In This Storm"

Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

"Strong Enough"

Matthew West

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough

Oh, yeah

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough

"I Will Carry You"
Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you 

"Need You Now (How Many Times)"
Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Easter

Saturday morning, we started our Easter weekend off with a 5K run for colorectal cancer awareness, the Rumpshaker! We were running in honor of one of my best friends, Amber, and in memory of her mom. We had 46 people on our team, "This Toot Shall Pass", and raised over $1500! We won some team awards for fundraising and team spirit. 

The team!

Amber had just put up the picture of her mom on the memory wall.

Yay!

Brandi got 2nd place for Most Team Spirit!

Later that afternoon we went to Ella and Miles' 3rd birthday party! I can't believe our kids are 3! Amber had a cute Easter theme, but did a great job incorporating Ella and Miles' request for Minnie Mouse and Thomas the Train themes. 

We started off participating in our church's Easter Egg Hunt. Taylor got a basket full, but we do not need all of that candy!!

Can't even hold it up she's got so many eggs!

After playing on the inflatables for a while (Taylor's favorite thing to do), we got busy with cake and presents!

Birthday girl and boy!

Taylor Bug loves Papa!

And Nannie!

Trying so hard not to help open presents!

Can't help it anymore!

Sunday morning we went to the sunrise service where Leah is buried. Honestly, I can't believe that is part of my life. Then, we went to our church, out to lunch and family came over to visit.

The cross had flowers on it at Leah's funeral.

Taylor's Easter baskets from Mommy and Daddy and Nannie and Papa!

This was such a fun weekend! I can't believe that March is already over.